Here's a glimpse into the last two years of my life – After winning the metastatic cancer lottery, I have spent the last 24 months existing from scan to scan in three-month chunks.
Fear is unholy. Fear is a liar. Fear is a belief in a horrible something that hasn’t even happened. We give in to fear –take over our thoughts and rob us of our Hope. The opposite of fear is Hope. And the reminder of Hope is the best gift I can leave my son. If Patrick has nothing else, he still has Hope. I still have Hope.
I am a researcher; I know the statistics. There is currently no cure for stage 4 cancer. One minute ago, I had a 5-year survival rate of 72% and now I have a 5-year survival rate of 22%. And, the median survival rate of a woman with stage 4 breast cancer is only 3 years. Only three years! All I can think is that I will statistically be dead within three to five years. On August 8 I was healthy and whole and on August 31st I received a death sentence.
It’s a very complicated relationship I have with this man; I am simultaneously grateful to him and seriously angry with him. And I am scared to leave him.
And I just have to ask, how terrible, really, would your life be if you didn’t own something that can be used to mow down innocent human beings who are just going to Walmart, to a bar, a festival, a concert, a house of worship, a high school, a night club, the first grade?
Every. Single. Day. I fail, sometimes spectacularly in some aspects; and yet I am STILL HERE on this planet for the reasons only He knows, to give, to surrender more and more - my health, my relationships, my career, all my plans, my goals, my entire life… everything I have. And only after I do that, comes the Peace.